I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
