As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
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