dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
Randomize
