bad to tell him im pregnant over fbook chat?
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
Randomize
