when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
Randomize