I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
