My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Randomize
