it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
whose ass print is on the piano?
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
