just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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