Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
should my penis look like a turkey
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
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