So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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