Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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