Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
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