So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
Randomize
