remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
