It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
