I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
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