If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
