i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
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