My sheets look like a crime scene.
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
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