billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
Randomize
