Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
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