I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
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