We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
