I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
I saw her while sober, and she is definately cut off from the penis ride
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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