I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
