He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
what is it with giant penises always finding me
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
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