I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
