I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
adderall flavored popcorn. yes we did it and its awesome
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
Randomize
