My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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