Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
