..well, okay, so long as I don't have to wear an apron or vaccum in high heels.
nope just do me i'm drunk and easy to plz
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
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