dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Randomize
