genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
Sorry my hands just texted you
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
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