She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
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