11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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