somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
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