There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
Also, beer. Big fan.
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
Randomize
