I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
Randomize
