Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
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