fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
