Joe is yelling at the trees again.
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
Randomize
