I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
Randomize
