My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Randomize
