Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
Randomize
