You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
Randomize
