WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
Randomize
