I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
