Dude my mom stole all your condoms
did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
Randomize
