I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Randomize