you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
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