college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
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