She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Randomize
