he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Randomize
